Control

The frustration I experienced in work was partially due to a belief that I had no control over anything.  And so my ego decided that some control was in order.  A good part of my life I struggled with overweight and yoyo dieting.  But by this time I believed all that was behind me.  I began to be obsessed with exercising and eating very little.  I got thinner and thinner as the situation at work deteriorated.  My personal life and spiritual life got little attention.  There was little serious reading, study or anything else as there was not much energy beyond work and exercise.  Also, during this time my daughter moved to Los Angeles to start a new chapter in her life (something else beyond my control) which was the correct decision for her.

My doctor, personal trainer and family all expressed concern over my weight loss and kept telling me I was leaving myself with no reserves to support my body.  But I blocked that out in the euphoria of wearing such small sizes and feeling so light.  It felt wonderful to feel so light in my body and I fooled myself into thinking and believing that feeling that good could not be bad.

Somewhere in the midst of all this I lost two friends.  One dear friend with whom I had a soul connection died from cancer after a long battle.  The other friend shared my office.  She was a talented, creative woman so consumed with anger that it finally killed her in the form of a heart attack.  It was such a sad time and just confirmed how little control I had over life.

Finally all the emotions and feelings boiled over and I resigned from my job.  I fell back to the old habit of over thinking what I needed to do and impulsively making a decision without a real plan.  So there was no job, bills to pay and a general state of depression.  But I was “happily” thin.

Has there been an experience in your life that has left you believing you had no control?  How did you react?  How do you view the experience now?  What impulsive decisions have you made?  Where did they take you?

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